Battle of Will

That might be the picture of a physically and emotionally exhausted new father, but you don't have to take my word for it. Read the rest of the post and find out for yourselves.

We've been home for three days, and I already can not believe that my parents had 6 kids. Do not misinterpret me: having Will join our family is the best thing that ever happened to me. I love him unconditionally and his coming has deepened and strengthened our marriage. He is awesome.

But Will has a different circadian rhythm (the "rhythm" of your body: the ebb and flow of fatigue and other body cycles) than Carrie and I. Since Carrie could first sense his movements inside her womb she warned me about this very week. "Anthony," she would say, "our boy seems to wake up at night and wiggle a lot. It keeps me up sometimes nowadays and I wonder what his sleeping patterns will be when he gets here." I figured it can't be too bad, right?

DEAD WRONG

The first night back was a bit tough. We tried to go to bed starting at 10 PM. He was upset off and on until 3:30 AM. By upset I mean he would cycle through stirring, rushed breathing, whimpering, crying, and screaming until I met his particular need at the time, be it feeding with mom, a diaper change, reinsertion of his pacifier, picking him and bouncing him and "shushing" white noise into his ear (infants like this). At 3:30 he gave up with no more energy and slept until 7:30 the next day. At 3:30 I took Will out out to the living room, place him in the center of his boppy pillow on the couch with me next to him. I put my hand gently on his face and blocked the pacifier from falling out and causing Cryageddon again. Otherwise, Carrie and I double-teamed him the whole night as much as possible, but I insisted that Carrie sleep as much as possible. I am not as chivalrous as I should be but am honest about the energy needed for 15+ hours of labor. We need Carrie back in tip-top shape as soon as possible.

I woke up at 7:30 exhausted but pleased that we had gotten the sleep we did and that Carrie had been able to catch a couple extra winks, though I always prefer to be around her. Due to the long night church became an impossibility as I was extremely groggy and knew that Carrie still had a lot of sleep to catch up on, so I was needed at home.
After breakfast I took a nap with Will in bed with me, but protected from my giant pillow and head by his boppy pillow.We had many visitors over the course of the day, which stopped us from napping as much as we had thought we would, but it was still so fun to see people. Being social creatures Carrie and I get energy by seeing others and how happy they are to see us and Will. Will was a bit temperamental all day as he seemed to be getting very upset very quickly compared to the Will we came home with. We figured that was part of his personality. The first sleep conflict was over, but the battle was just beginning.

Again, that night we tried to go to sleep around 10:30. Carrie fed Will right before. Like a well-trained army we moved forward with our bed plan as efficiently as possible. I went to sleep thinking, "This will be an even better night. We did great." Think again chump.

Will woke up around midnight hungry. Carrie tried to feed him, but he would angrily punch and claw her and kick her and he would not eat. He was very busy screaming. My role was to console him and then we would try again, but it was not working. Carrie said that a couple of times he "latched on", but did not seem to be drinking much. He woke up soon and more angry than the previous time. This lasted until 9 the next morning. For the last 2 hours of the ordeal I had Will alone, trying to let Carrie get some sleep. All of my efforts to console him were futile. I honestly prayed as hard as I ever have, and got the idea to take him into our bathroom and turned on the shower. He and I just sat in there and let the steam soothe his sore throat (He was very hoarse from crying off and on all night, and when he sneezed or coughed or even breathed funny I could tell it hurt him because he would 100% of the time start to cry). Also, the sound of the water hitting the shower floor seem to soothe him better than my personal attempts. For the first time all night he fell into a deeper rest that would last 10-15 minutes that would be interrupted when he coughed, etc. and had another tantrum. It felt like even his silence echoed in the bathroom. It felt good.

Being alone with him for a lot of the night I had a lot of time to think about Will. At many points in the night I prayed audibly not for him to be quiet, but for him to be healthy and eventually happy. After 8 hours of his crying, both Carrie and I were pretty frazzled. I took the picture at the top of this blog before passing out on our bed when this leg of the battle was over.

This skirmish ended when Carrie and I got our wits together and figured after a whole night of crying we should call Will's pediatrician or the hospital. Carrie frantically called all the numbers we had been given for medical help for Will until she finally spoke to a nurse. The nurse quizzed Carrie about her breastfeeding and Will's behavior and surmised that Carrie's milk was in the process of coming in, and Will was not getting the colostrum he was getting initially from her and yet not getting the milk that was going to come in soon. He probably was getting a little nourishment, as Carrie was still producing minor amounts of liquid (We know because he spit a bit up and was making swallowing noises). He was starving. He had been angry with Carrie, which explained the escalating anger every time we tried to feed him and why he was inconsolable.

With this new knowledge we popped open the free samples of formula the hospital sent us home with. I laid him on my lap and fed him 40 mL of formula that he guzzled. It was spilling everywhere, but Carrie and I did not care at all. The relief that he was okay was so overwhelming, we all cried. Wanting to be close while we all passed out after Will's feeding, we put him next to us again in his boppy pillow and crashed. It actually took awhile for the adrenaline to leave our systems, and Carrie and I both shivered in bed, ecstatic that Will was ok.

We slept a few hours until Carrie started to get return phone calls from the hospital asking her if everything was alright. We both agreed that the previous night had been the most difficult ordeal of our entire lives. My arms, now a day later, are still sore from bouncing him. Both of us, like wartime post-traumatic stress disorder victims, hear Will screaming in other sounds (e.g., the fan, the shower) all the time, especially when we lay down. It was by far the most exhausting thing I have ever done. Later on I tried talking to a few people about this over the phone and I had trouble keeping my sentences understandable. When I went to pick up pizza for dinner the small-talk I tried with the cashier was painfully stupid because I was so frazzled. It felt really strange. Carrie said that in her opinion it was harder for her than giving birth to Will, though significantly less painful. But the emotional exhaustion was very difficult to deal with. We both felt so desperate and helpless. I wondered many times if I had done something wrong, if I had hurt my own son. As I grew fatigued worst-case scenarios flooded my mind, and if the dramatic writing style of our blog did not reveal this about me yet, let me tell you: I can get a little dramatic.

In the final leg of the battle of Will (last night), Will was fine. We have supplemented Carrie's milk with formula and he is good. He is back to his good-natured self, easier to soothe and able to be fed by Carrie. Will probably woke up, on average every other hour, and Carrie and I both got 5-6 hours of sleep total, but not straight. It's bizarre how refreshing that feels, but in comparison to yesterday I feel great.

I now know a bit more of what it takes to be a parent. I feel like everyone who reads this blog should take this challenge: During this holiday season take the time to genuinely express to your parents that you love them and appreciate what they have done, do, and will do for you.

There are going to more "battles of Will" I am sure, but we will move move forward more confident that we can succeed in crisis.