Life

I've been thinking a lot lately. Mostly about how a new person will be joining our family in (hopefully) less than three months and all the changes that will entail.

Am I ready for the lack of sleep that is involved with caring for a newborn? Will's toddler sleep schedule is pretty sweet. Going to bed by 7:30pm most nights and up at 7am leaves me plenty of free time in the evenings as well as enough time to get a good night's sleep if I so choose. I suppose I am as ready as I will ever be.

Will I be able to love my baby girl as much as I love Will? I assume that will come once I meet her. I loved Will before he was born and I love my daughter too, but my love for Will has grown so much over the past 19 months. I'm sure the same will be true with this child. I never knew how much love I was capable of before I had kids.

Have I really appreciated and enjoyed my time as a mother of one? This has been the hardest question for me to answer and given me the most pause. So often I am guilty of wishing my life away. "Things will be nice once this happens or that is over." "I can't wait for this far off event." Lately I have been wishing Will's toddler tantrums away. But unfortunately, I can't really get rid of the toddler tantrums without wishing him into an older child who won't explode with excitement every time he sees a bus because that is what his dad rides to work or who can't seem to function if he isn't within a yard of me even when I'm trying to cook dinner because I'm his favorite. I'm going to miss those things when he's a sullen teenager and would rather hang out with his friends than parents and thinks most things we do are uncool instead of awesome.

I think that figuring out the answer to this question to some degree is the trick to having a happy life. We need to learn to enjoy each season, taking the bad with the good, and be happy anyway. No stage of life is without its trials, and some are worse than others. But finding the bright spots in each day can make even the most difficult season of life easier to bear.

This week I've been thinking even more about how fleeting time is after I learned of the unexpected death of my cousin. I have always expected to live to an old age. I have no real reason not to and don't think we should plan on that not happening. But the truth is, that isn't always the case. Our time on Earth is a gift that we shouldn't take for granted and wish away. I'm grateful for the knowledge that I have of the eternal nature of life and families.

My heart aches for Cari at the loss of her husband and for his young boys at the loss of their dad. I feel for my Aunt Marilyn and Uncle Tim at the loss of their son and my cousins at the loss of their brother. I know my prayers are joining with the prayers of many others to send feelings of comfort and peace their way. I didn't know Kasey as well as I would have liked because my family lived far away from the rest of the family and is the youngest, but when I picture him I picture a friendly smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. My most vivid memory of Kasey is him playfully teasing me about a perm his mom had just given me when we were out visiting one summer.

So between my pending life change and this tragic accident, yeah, I've been doing a lot of thinking. And I keep getting lines from one of Will's book stuck in my head. It's called I'm Thankful Each Day, by P.K. Halliman.

I'm thankful each day
For the blessings I see,
And for all of the gifts
That God's given to me.

. . . .

I'm thankful for friends,
For laughing and sharing...

I'm thankful for family,
For loving and caring.

I'm thankful for all
The kindness I see.

I'm thankful for peace
And for pure harmony.

...If ever I worry
That trouble is near,
I always remember
I've nothing to fear...

For each hour is laden
With God's perfect love.

Each second brings comfort
And joy from above.

And I guess in the end
The best thing to say
Is I'm thankful for living...

I'm thankful each day!

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say other than life is short. Take the time to hug your family and tell them you love them and don't wish it away. I wanted to write this down so I can have something to look back at and remind myself to not wish a season of my life away in a few months when I am sleep-deprived and feeling exhausted after our daughter is born.